This is a hauntingly beautiful song about introspection, specifically about looking back at a relationship that started bad and ended so poorly, that the narrator wants to go back to the very beginning and tell himself to not even travel down that road. I believe that the relationship started poorly because of the lines:
"Take me back to the night we met:When the night was full of terrors: And your eyes were filled with tears: When you had not touched me yet"
So, the first night was not a great start, but the narrator pursued the relationship and eventually both overcame the rough start to fall in love with each other:
"I had all and then most of you"
Like many relationships that turn sour, it was not a quick decline, but a gradual one where the narrator and their partner fall out of love and gradually grow apart
"Some and now none of you"
Losing someone who was once everything in your world, who you could confide in, tell your secrets to, share all the most intimate parts of your life, to being strangers with that person is probably one of the most painful experiences a person can go through. So Painful, the narrator wants to go back in time and tell himself to not even pursue the relationship.
This was the perfect song for "13 Reasons Why"
One of four...
My name is Ian Mathias Bavitz
I was born in 1-9-7-6 at Syosset Hospital located in Long Island, New York
I am 6 foot 4, I weigh 2-0-0 pounds
I have brown hair and green eyes
I enjoy writing songs, painting, movies and diner food
I have two brothers, Chris and Graham
and two parents, Paul and Jameija
In August of 2-0-0-1 I went crazy
This was originally not for public consumption
This was made for four people...four people that literally saved my life
They know who they are...
And ahh...I mean I could live to be a thousand years old and never repay them
I don't think this song would pay for them
But hopefully by putting it out it'll push the thank you a little further...
This ain't a burner for the whips (no it isn't)
This ain't even Aesop Rock fly earthworm demeanor (no it isn't)
My name is Ian Mathias Bavitz and I was born in Long Island, New York
Seventy-Six, before Graham and after Chris...OK
In August of 2001 my seemingly splinter-proof brain-bone scaffolding imploded.
I kept it on the hush, but nearly tumbling to the cold hard concrete on mere bodega trips for cigarettes and soda shook me to Casper.
Dizzy with a nausea chaser, motor sensory eraser, agoraphobe tunnel-vision, guilt, self-loathing arrangement rose rapidly out of a bog I'd never fished in.
That abates three separate foreign meds while I was used to hook-line-and-sinker simple fission.
Simple, primitive, self-taught easing of soul, mind and body,
but the symptoms rejected my caveman Modus Operandi.
So now it's one fish belly up through medicated mileage
And shrinks that get $250 an hour for awkward silence.
And I'd be lying if I said all of this made even the slightest fragment of sense to me, that's real.
Simply put, I don't know what happened or what's still happening.
I literally feel like I'm teetering on the blunt edge of my sanity.
JAMIE, I killed the robots and I'm sorry
Broke down in front of you, embarrassed
But you lent a heart and hand that only you could
You're one of my best friends and yes I'd take that bullet for you,
That's my word, which is about all I have left
TONY, I know you know I'm crazy, 'cause you told me
But that didn't ever bother you
I hold you as my brother 'til death
And I got your back if ever the drunk goblin step
For makin' a cat laugh when I was walking with the dead
KATHERINE, mother figure, older sister, concerned beyond limits
Letting me know I wasn't the only one with this
Continuous offers for vacation, Chicago visits
Talked me through repair of a head full of broken pistons
RIYAH, for the late night movie rentals and the company I needed
And you knew it but I just wouldn't admit it
You listened to me blab about my issues for hours
Offer incredible advice, gave me a hug when I was finished
Am I a jack of all trades?
Nope...I like to write songs though
Are they good? I dunno..
But I can tell you that I only write shit down when I believe it
So take this how you want, but know I mean it.
I want you all to know that I'm scared out my fuckin' crooked soul
And never faced a monster like the last few months ever in my whole life
I wish I could explain this better... (I can't)
But the pieces won't formulate into anything even close to cohesive
So I guess this is my feeble way to thank you
Four soldiers that extended something sacred out of the purity of kindness
I owe you all my life and please don't argue with that statement
'Cause without y'all I may not have a life to offer; take it.
Thank you.
I wish I could explain this better. (Thank you)
I'm sorry for burdening your pleasures. (Thank you)
I love you all with all that's left of me... (Thank you)
For helping try to kill what made a mess of me. (Thank you)
Somehow, someway... (Thank you)
I'ma get you back someday. (Thank you)
Just gotta figure this all out... So..
I guess it is kind of funny when you look at it from a step back
How one man can literally buckle under the same pressures other men operate normally under
I have scoped this out from all angles, multiple times
I have been over everything in my head 'till I can't think anymore
But I guess sometimes when you can't breathe there are people there
to breathe for you
I am lucky enough to have those people around me
Thank you for helping me to not die
Thank you for helping me to not die.
Pocket full of pennies and a soul gone tilt
Cockpit full of memories and a drain full of guilt
My name is Ian Mathias Bavitz
I was born in 1-9-7-6 at Syosset Hospital located in Long Island, New York
I am 6 foot 4, I weigh 2-0-0 pounds
I have brown hair and green eyes
I enjoy writing songs, painting, movies and diner food
I have two brothers, Chris and Graham
and two parents, Paul and Jameija
In August of 2-0-0-1 I went crazy
This was originally not for public consumption
This was made for four people...four people that literally saved my life
They know who they are...
And ahh...I mean I could live to be a thousand years old and never repay them
I don't think this song would pay for them
But hopefully by putting it out it'll push the thank you a little further...
This ain't a burner for the whips (no it isn't)
This ain't even Aesop Rock fly earthworm demeanor (no it isn't)
My name is Ian Mathias Bavitz and I was born in Long Island, New York
Seventy-Six, before Graham and after Chris...OK
In August of 2001 my seemingly splinter-proof brain-bone scaffolding imploded.
I kept it on the hush, but nearly tumbling to the cold hard concrete on mere bodega trips for cigarettes and soda shook me to Casper.
Dizzy with a nausea chaser, motor sensory eraser, agoraphobe tunnel-vision, guilt, self-loathing arrangement rose rapidly out of a bog I'd never fished in.
That abates three separate foreign meds while I was used to hook-line-and-sinker simple fission.
Simple, primitive, self-taught easing of soul, mind and body,
but the symptoms rejected my caveman Modus Operandi.
So now it's one fish belly up through medicated mileage
And shrinks that get $250 an hour for awkward silence.
And I'd be lying if I said all of this made even the slightest fragment of sense to me, that's real.
Simply put, I don't know what happened or what's still happening.
I literally feel like I'm teetering on the blunt edge of my sanity.
JAMIE, I killed the robots and I'm sorry
Broke down in front of you, embarrassed
But you lent a heart and hand that only you could
You're one of my best friends and yes I'd take that bullet for you,
That's my word, which is about all I have left
TONY, I know you know I'm crazy, 'cause you told me
But that didn't ever bother you
I hold you as my brother 'til death
And I got your back if ever the drunk goblin step
For makin' a cat laugh when I was walking with the dead
KATHERINE, mother figure, older sister, concerned beyond limits
Letting me know I wasn't the only one with this
Continuous offers for vacation, Chicago visits
Talked me through repair of a head full of broken pistons
RIYAH, for the late night movie rentals and the company I needed
And you knew it but I just wouldn't admit it
You listened to me blab about my issues for hours
Offer incredible advice, gave me a hug when I was finished
Am I a jack of all trades?
Nope...I like to write songs though
Are they good? I dunno..
But I can tell you that I only write shit down when I believe it
So take this how you want, but know I mean it.
I want you all to know that I'm scared out my fuckin' crooked soul
And never faced a monster like the last few months ever in my whole life
I wish I could explain this better... (I can't)
But the pieces won't formulate into anything even close to cohesive
So I guess this is my feeble way to thank you
Four soldiers that extended something sacred out of the purity of kindness
I owe you all my life and please don't argue with that statement
'Cause without y'all I may not have a life to offer; take it.
Thank you.
I wish I could explain this better. (Thank you)
I'm sorry for burdening your pleasures. (Thank you)
I love you all with all that's left of me... (Thank you)
For helping try to kill what made a mess of me. (Thank you)
Somehow, someway... (Thank you)
I'ma get you back someday. (Thank you)
Just gotta figure this all out... So..
I guess it is kind of funny when you look at it from a step back
How one man can literally buckle under the same pressures other men operate normally under
I have scoped this out from all angles, multiple times
I have been over everything in my head 'till I can't think anymore
But I guess sometimes when you can't breathe there are people there
to breathe for you
I am lucky enough to have those people around me
Thank you for helping me to not die
Thank you for helping me to not die.
Pocket full of pennies and a soul gone tilt
Cockpit full of memories and a drain full of guilt
Lyrics submitted by Sociodemographic, edited by Lanimilbus
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